Dr. Lulu – LGBTQ Gender and Sexuality Coach: Coming Out Later in Life – An Incredible Journey of Self-Discovery and Acceptance
I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Lulu.
Dra. Lulu is a Nigerian-born board-certified pediatrician and life coach focusing on parenting and gender/sexuality. She is a 3-time TEDx Speaker, best-selling author of “How to Teach Your Children About Racism”, chief host of Moms 4 Trans Kids Podcast, and mother of a transgender young adult daughter. Her mission is to create awareness for the plight of Black transgender children, help communities affirm and support all LGBTQ+ youth one family at a time, and help LGBTQ+ persons navigate their sexuality safely and with confidence.
We know you are a great influence, can you share your back story?
I was born and raised in Nigeria, West Africa to a middle-class Igbo family. I am the first of 6 children, and I am a cradle Catholic. Growing up in Nigeria was fun! Children are usually co-raised by extended family, and paternal and maternal aunts and uncles raised my siblings and me at various points. They pretty much taught us everything we knew, as our parents were working class (my father was a Nigerian Air Force officer who retired as a 2-star general, and my mother was a banker who retired as a bank manager).
I attended elementary school at a military cantonment, excelled in it, and even skipped first grade. High school was an all-girls boarding school located nearly 4 hours away from home. I was in high school when I first realized that I was attracted to girls and boys. I wasn’t able to process it because back then, any form of ‘lesbianism’ was prohibited at school, and my parents didn’t even allow us to date while in school anyways.
Upon graduation from high school at the age of 16, I finally shared my sexuality with my equally Catholic, Nigerian Igbo father who categorically told me it was a phase… and I innocently believed him. At that time, I only knew of the word, Lesbian, and that I was a lesbian.
I went on to medical school and started dating boys. I tried my very best to bury any same sex attraction tendencies that I had, especially after I was informed by one of my trusted aunts that I would end up in hell. It didn’t help that in medical school in the mid-80s to early 90s, same sex attraction was essentially looked upon as a mental health disorder. I stayed hidden in my closet! I wasn’t going to drink any of that Kool-Aid!
It wasn’t until after I graduated from medical school that I finally began to hear about the word “bisexual,” and further into my adulthood, I realized that that was who I was, by then I had been living out loud as a heterosexual.
I later got married to my now-deceased ex-husband, lived together for 13 years before our divorce, and eventually met my ex-wife afterward.
Can you share with our readers how your company(s) started and the mission behind it?
My journey began in Nigeria where I attended medical school and completed it in 1991. Though I didn’t know it back then, as a young physician, my ultimate mission would be youth suicide prevention and my thoughts and dreams would bring me to the United States to work with the most vulnerable of the population, Black Transgender Children.
I came into this country as an exchange student with a J-1 visa in 1994. After completing my residency training at Howard University Hospital in 1998, I opened up my own pediatric practice in rural South Carolina to help me with my naturalization process.
*I lost my first female physician colleague and my first patient to suicide in that practice.*
Then my marriage ended in a divorce and I sold the practice and was commissioned into the United States Air Force as a direct accession. I thoroughly enjoyed my time as a Lieutenant Colonel and Commander, stationed at JBSA Lackland. It was during that time (2012 to 2016), that I discovered a trend in my practice: high percentage of teens with depression, anxiety, and suicidal behavior.
On closer examination, I realized that the majority of this youth were either neurodivergent or identified with the LGBTQ+ community. And many of them got there as a result of rejection and ostracism from their parents, extended family and society as a whole.
After separating from the Air Force, I received an MBA from University of Texas in San Antonio and an online certification as a life coach. And began my transition from clinical medicine in 2018 when I opened my second private practice, Dr. Lulu’s Youth Health Center, in San Antonio, Texas, caring exclusively for at-risk youth.
The parent company of my business is Dr. Uchenna L. Umeh, MD, PLLC. It has multiple branches all dedicated in one way or the other to advocacy for the LGBTQ+ community. Our Allies in White Coats division helps physicians and other healthcare providers become better allies for their LGBTQ+ patients.
Our Ally Bridge Connection program works with organizations to help create safe(r) workplaces and spaces for their LGBTQ+ employees and parents of LGBTQ+ children. And Dr. Lulu’s Angels Haven is our nonprofit branch that builds homes and safe havens for homeless LGBTQ+ youth.
Three TEDx talks later, I speak about youth suicide prevention, LGBTQ+ advocacy, parent allyship and reconciling race with culture, religion and the queer identity. I have authored 7 books on topics ranging from parenting (How to Raise Well-Rounded Children, A Mom’s Truth), racism (How to Teach Your Children About Racism), youth mental health (A Teen’s Life) to immigration (The Warrior Women Project), amongst others.
I won my first award as the Youth Advocate of the Year in 2021, given to me by the San Antonio LGBT Chamber of Commerce, followed by a second award, DEIB Advocate of the Year by the San Anotonio, Texas Business Journal in 2022.I was a finalist for the Rising Star of the Year award by the San Antonio National Association of Women Business Owners in 2023, and as of August this year, I shall be receiving the Pioneer of the Year Award by the Atlanta, GA Trans Life Awards for my work in transgender advocacy.
We know that you came out late in life. Can you talk about this?
Coming out later in life has been an incredible journey of self-discovery and acceptance. For much of my life, I navigated my identity, first believing I was a lesbian, then identifying as bisexual. Each of these labels felt like they captured a part of me, but not the whole. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I am a sapio-pansexual, a term that resonates deeply with who I am and how I love.
Understanding that I am sapio-pansexual means recognizing that I am attracted to intelligence and that my attraction transcends gender. It’s a realization that has brought me immense clarity and peace. For many years, I struggled with the societal pressures and expectations that came with being a Black queer woman, and these pressures often clouded my self-understanding.
Coming out at 55 has been both liberating and challenging. On one hand, there is a profound sense of freedom in finally embracing my true self. On the other hand, it has meant confronting and unlearning decades of internalized beliefs about sexuality and identity. But this journey has been worth every moment.
My story is a testament to the fact that it’s never too late to discover and embrace who you truly are. Age should never be a barrier to self-acceptance. By sharing my journey, I hope to inspire others to explore their own identities, free from societal constraints. Love and attraction are deeply personal, and there’s no timeline for finding the labels that fit us best.
Coming out as sapio-pansexual has not only allowed me to live more authentically but has also deepened my connections with others. It has opened up new avenues for understanding and empathy, both within myself and in my relationships. I am proud to stand in my truth, celebrating the fluidity and diversity of human attraction.
To anyone reading this who might be questioning or discovering their own identity later in life, I want to say: it’s okay to take your time. Your journey is uniquely yours, and every step you take towards understanding yourself is a step towards a more fulfilling and authentic life. Embrace your truth, no matter when you find it.
We know you’re a sought-after speaker. Can you give us a little insight into Dr. Lulu “speaking” experience and what folks can expect?
I speak about a wide range of topics. From allyship for the LGBTQ+ community to parenting your LGBTQ+ child, to the intersectionality of the Black transgender child, to LGBTQ+ Basics for Clinicians caring for children and their families. I also help organizations support parents and LGBTQ+ employees as well as speaking at churches and religious houses about reconciliation of race, culture, religion, and queer identity.
We hear you are being honored with the Trans Life Award as Pioneer of The Year on August 31st, can you tell us more about that?
Thank you so much for the question. The Trans Life Award Pioneer of the Year award is given to individuals who have significantly contributed to the mission, advocacy, well-being, and development of the Atlanta Transgender & Nonbinary Communities.
I am super excited about this award, and I am so proud of myself. It is officially the 4th award that I have received for the work that I do, and I am so thankful that it is happening today in a world where there is so much homophobia/transphobia.
Can you tell us about the ABCs and give us a few?
The ABCs is a concept that I came up with a few months ago during a talk I gave to the local PFLAG organization of Manhattan Beach, CA. It was so well received that I have continued to teach it and have included it in my upcoming book.
The first A stands for Awareness of your thoughts about the LGBTQ+ community. That is the first and most important step for anyone, regardless of whether you are a parent or not. Self-awareness of your thoughts and your current stance where the Q+ community is concerned is critical.
The second A is Acknowledgement of what your child just shared with you, and where you are with your knowledge base. One critical thing to consider here is the source of your information about the queer community. From whence did it come? Who stands to benefit the most from your current knowledge and who stands to suffer?
The last A is for (Self) Acceptance, which is what parents need to work on regarding their new identity as a parent of an LGBTQ+ child. That is usually the hardest part of the process/journey. I found with my journey, that once I was able to accept my new identity as a parent of a transgender child, the process of affirming my child became that much easier for me.
B stands for Believe them. Believe your child when they tell you who they are. The truth is; that your child has no reason to claim an untrue identity. They have nothing to gain by pretending to be who they are not. Believing your child and what they are telling you is the fastest way to Becoming the parent you need to be for your child.
C is for Creating a safe space in your heart and in your home to allow your children to feel safe enough to share their reality with you. It also stands for the Courage y Commitment it will take for you to create safe spaces for your children outside the home as well (school, church, extended family, etc.)
D- Make a Decision right away to become an ally for your child, and depending on the age of your child, Do not undermine your child’s autonomy and ability to make decisions for themselves. Visite be prepared for a fallout with some friends/family members as you go along.
E- Educate yourself about your child’s status in the LGBTQ+ community, and then Encourage them with your words and your actions so that they become Empowered to be all that they can be!
F- Field your feelings, all of them, because they are valid. It is normal to have a mix of feelings; fear, shame, guilt, overwhelm, doubt, disbelief, and pretty much any negative emotion out there. My suggestion is to Find community with other parents, a therapist, a gender & sexuality coach (like me), and Finish strong because your child is looking up to and depending on you.
Lastly, always remember that you are not only the most important, but you are also the most influential person in your child’s life, so what you think, say or do, matters.
Can you give us the 5 things parents should do and not do when kids come to them to discuss their sexuality?
Dos:
- Find a safe space in the home or take a walk or a drive. Make eye contact and focus on what you are being told. Repeat what was just communicated to you to ensure you heard correctly.
- Thank your child for finding you a safe enough person to share the information with.
- Be honest about what you know and what you don’t know and communicate that to your child.
- Ask as many questions as you can within reason of your child’s developmental stage. The first question is: How can I help make you feel affirmed? What do you need from me and what/how can I help make it happen? Who have you told, who would you like me to tell, or not tell, etc?
- Visite allow yourself to process the information that has just been given to you…
Don’ts:
- Don’t allow your thoughts and misconceptions to cloud your judgment.
- Do not belittle your child and this conversation by saying words like, “I already knew”, “Is that all?”, “Go clean your room”, etc.
- Don’t ask questions like; “Are you sure?” “Could this be peer pressure?”, “Is this social media?” or worse, make it about you with questions like, “Why do you want to embarrass me?”
- Don’t say stuff like “This is a lifestyle” or “This is a phase”.
- Don’t tell others, say or do anything without your child’s approval.
If you could go back and talk to your younger self what would you tell her and why?
My Main focus would be on being the best parent that I can be for my children, because, in the end, that is what matters the most. I have always been a daydreamer. I would always imagine what my kids would look like, smell like or feel like. Unfortunately, looking back now, I realize that while I did my best to breastfeed my children and teach them the best of life lessons that I knew…I was absent from my children physically and to a large extent, emotionally.
As a self-employed pediatrician and the breadwinner, I took on everything and lost out on being a present mom for my children. Thankfully, they are thriving as best as they can, but, I wonder how much better they would be if I had been around more. When I was around, I was emotionally not as present because, as an abused spouse, I was also on guard and suffering with my demons and regrets about my marriages, in particular, the marriage between me and my children’s father.
What do you hope to do with your business and where would you like to see them in 5 years?
In 5 years, I see myself becoming a highly-paid, highly sought-after speaker and educator in the field of LGBTQ+ advocacy and education. I also see myself speaking on world stages and being interviewed on top national and international television shows like CNN. I also believe that I shall become a household name in the field of advocacy for the LGBTQ+ child, particularly, the Black transgender child.
In 10 years?
I have always wanted to have my television show, a documentary about teen suicide, and a New York Times bestselling book. I also would like to travel around the world helping medical schools create curricula for their medical education and residency training programs, I think that would be SO DOPE!
My nonprofit will become a national movement and have the buy-in of many influential organizations that are invested in helping make a difference in children’s lives.
Can you tell us about your latest book?
My latest book is titled: About Your Black Transgender Child: Answers to All Your Burning Questions. In this book, I delve into the complex, often challenging, but mostly rewarding journey of raising a Black transgender child. This book is a comprehensive guide aimed at parents, caregivers, and allies who seek to understand, support, and advocate for their Black transgender children. Drawing from personal experience as a parent and professional expertise as a pediatrician, gender & sexuality coach, and LGBTQ+ educator, I address crucial topics such as navigating healthcare, fostering acceptance within the family and community, and combating societal prejudices like homophobia and religious persecution, within the family. This book not only provides practical advice but also offers heartfelt insights, empowering families to create a loving and affirming environment for their transgender children.
Do you have any new projects you are working on?
Besides my latest book, one of my other new projects is my nonprofit. It is called Dr. Lulu’s Angels Haven, Inc. Its mission is twofold: 1. Education, advocacy, and activism for the LGBTQ+ community. 2. Building homes and creating safe, welcoming and affirming spaces for homeless LGBTQ+ youth!
We are so excited and can’t wait for it to be approved as a 501C3 organization!
The second project that I am working on is creating my first-ever online course for physicians and healthcare providers who care for the LGBTQ+ community. It is appropriately titled: LGBTQ+ Basics for Clinicians. It is the prelude to my upcoming accompanying book: LGBTQ+ Basics for Physicians: Becoming Allies in White, due out this Winter. As the title suggests, it is a handbook to help guide physicians, residents, faculty, and other healthcare practitioners who are willing to make a difference in their LGBTQ+ patients’ life to do so easily and effortlessly. Ultimately, helping end the health inequities plaguing the community.
How can people connect with you and follow you?
People can find me across most social media platforms:
Instagram: @themomatrician
YouTube: My podcast is on YouTube @ Moms 4 Trans Kids
Facebook: @ Moma Trician
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/drlulu
My Facebook Community: Parents Supporting Parents (LGBTQ+ Families)
Correo electrónico: [email protected]
Página web: www.dr-lulu.com
